Dear "Nice Guy" - Your Mother Hates You

So in conversations with the few single friends I have left, I have discovered that the whole "nice guys finish last" refrain is still carrying weight. It's still the go-to excuse for men who aren't getting what they want. "It's because I'm a nice person. These women are bitches."

No, you "nice guys" are the bitches. True nice guys don't finish last. Bitchmade losers finish last. There is a huge difference. The thing that these so-called nice guys are missing is the fact that you're clowning for women. You're putting on a show based on a giant lie. And do you know who taught you this lie?

Dating Bill of Rights

Dating Bill of Rights

First Amendment: Don’t sleep with me, then don’t speak with me.

Second Amendment: We are not friends. I already have lots of friends. In fact, I have good, honest loyal friends. I do not need anymore. Unless you’re going to be a friend with benefits, I see no benefit to being your friend. If you want a cuddle buddy, call your gay friends or girlfriends or manginas who are under your spell.

Third Amendment: If you are racially, culturally or socially unaware, ignorant or bigoted then I will NEVER introduce you to anybody of importance in my life.

Fourth Amendment: Communication is a two way street. I wholly value being a good listener, and expect the same from my partner. I’m your lover so don’t treat me like I’m your therapist.

Fifth Amendment: One strike and you’re out. Mistakes are human, fuck-ups are unacceptable.

Sixth Amendment: I value loyalty and authenticity over wealth, so if you aren’t a woman of fidelity and integrity, I don’t have time for you.

Seventh Amendment: If you spent your teens and 20s getting knocked up by losers instead of pursuing a university education and career goals, then don’t expect me to pick up the tab for your stupidity. I wouldn’t pay the same price for a flooded house or damaged car, so why would I pay the same price (my heart) for a used up woman?

Eighth Amendment: If you are a cheater or mistress, then please believe you’re not girlfriend material. If you’re not girlfriend material, you’re not even date material. I don’t give my heart to people who don’t value commitment.

Ninth Amendment: You are an automatic jumpoff if you have a parole officer, baby daddy or dealer.

Tenth Amendment: I am 33. I know what I want because I’m experienced enough to know what works and I will not settle for less in a long-term relationship. 

A Disease that Is Killing Our Community

That was four bloody years ago. People have clearly not heeded your warning. Unfortunately, men have forgotten how to be men. This testosterone Alzheimer's has made it difficult to date in the 21st century because it's obviously that which is tender and weak is also what's customary.

You know, I wasn't always a mean, angry little bachelor. In fact, the arc of my life is much like this. I was once an optimistic lad with a positive view of my future. I figured I'd go to college, get a good career, meet a great woman, get married, and bring some mean angry youngins into the world. However, my dating life as an adult reads like a Woody Allen movie that was written on a heroin/vodka bender in Bai Ling's bed. And I blame you.

That's right dammit, I'm an American so you better believe I'm going to point the finger. It's these men who actually engage in bitchass behavior, just bitchassing it up for the rest of us. They present these whiny, accommodation-based Booker T. Washington ankle grabbing images of masculinity, and that has made women feel they can say and do whatever they want and it's our job to just accept it like a bunch of spineless simps.

However, I don't roll like a punk. Sure, I listened to my fair share of songs like this when I was growing up. But by the time I hit a certain age, I realized songs like those were really intended for men whose favorite superhero is this guy. I'm more of a Batman guy myself. He's dark, mysterious, and viciously fights crime in tights with built-in abs.

Anyway, being a black man being a guy with a backbone is duly damning, because if you decide to stand up to women, you immediately become the bad guy. Even if you respectfully ask "could you please not refer to me as __________ because I personally find that term offensive," you get a freedom of speech lecture. So since modern Negroes allow themselves to be disrespected by women, it's clear women expect me to do the same. This makes me look bad and inspires women to ignore my wishes since they're used to self-hating punks who just accept whatever they can get.

So bitchass men find racial disrespect from women acceptable. They must also accept disloyalty and selfishness as well. Chris Rock once said that the key to relationships is for both parties to have the same focus: her. My recent experience dictates that women can also walk out of your life and then decide to walk back in when it's convenient for them. Where I come from, two things are true: snitches get stitches, and traitors get excommunicated. However, women have forgotten the honor code that comes with meeting people. Why? Because it's easier for them to live their lives and their relationships on their terms without considering other peoples' feelings; and bitchass men are so pussywhipped that they allow disloyalty.

Bitchassness has officially had a profound impact on my life, and I say no more. First I have to worry about the fact that we're one election and two Lil' Wayne albums away from being sold back into slavery. Now, I have to worry about my future potential as a family man being threatened by how low the bar has been set by these pseudo men with their open-door spread-asscheeks policy of acceptance. So what now, Diddy? The world needs you more than an election party needs pitchers of Ciroc Obama cocktails.

Sambo-ism, part 1

For those who are uninitiated, Sambo is a legendary figure amongst those of African Heritage in the "New World." From the 20th Century forward, Sambo symbolized the docile, hapless, ne'er do well Black man with a simple mind and an unmistakable air of uneducated inferiority. This caricature dominated media imagery of Black folks in America for many years.

So after the Civil Rights movement, Sambo disappeared from our collective consciousness. The proud, brave men and women who fought and shed blood for equality brought about the permanent shift in the perception of African Americans, thusly rendering the parody moot.

I'm just kidding. The shit has just gotten worse over the years and Black entertainers often resort to minstrelsy to get attention, particularly from White audiences. From the recently and inexplicably popular Soulja Boy and Wacka Flocka Flame to the more innocuous "Leader" Michael Steele, the simple minded Black buffoon is as American as apple pie, military aggression, childhood obesity, and poor spelling. Throughout the coming months, I plan on exposing the rampant cooning that is once again passing itself off as leadership, entertainment, humor, and "reality" in the world. I will also start a petition to get anybody who appears on a VH1 show with the word "Love" anywhere in the title rounded up, sterilized, and dunked head first into this guy's bathwater.

I'd like to send a shout out to some particular embarrassing people.

Tyler Perry-In 2010, we still have to have Black Men emasculate themselves by dressing as women and portraying stereotypes. Who is he really trying to entertain? We know he's trying to sell buffoonery to suburban America and call it "blackness," but do they know they're just as complicit in this matter as he is?

Alvin Greene-When I first heard this, I thought Rev. Al Green was running for office. That would have been quite shocking, but I'd give up whiskey for almost 4 days just to hear "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" at a victory rally and dedicated to his fallen opponent. Instead, however, it is Alvin Greene running for the U.S. Senate in the state that still thinks that this flag is a good idea. Can't say I'm surprised that an inexperienced, unemployed, alleged porn aficionado is the best Democrat South Carolina has to offer (see Clyburn, James). But if you ever watch an interview with this guy, he makes Scottie Pippen look like James Earl Jones.


Rev. James David Manning-This is the Black Minister who has made a name for himself by calling Barack Obama the "Long Legged Mack Daddy." He's making it sound like Barack strolled up to him at the 40/40 club with a ruphied glass of Hypnotiq and told him he had weed from Amsterdam at his condo. This guy is a Black birther. So take heed people: we have more people who don't know Hawaii is a state. I guess they don't teach World War 2 like they used to.

50 Cent-Curtis hasn't done anything recently. But anybody who likes this guy is probably a little slow. I'm guessing his fanbase is officially limited to people who watch Grey's Anatomy and people who buy Justin Bieber posters. If any of your friends on Facebook become a fan of he who can only barely beat Ja Rule in a rap battle, de-friend them immediately. Also, re-evaluate your own life choices if you have such imbeciles in your world. Maybe you should stop looking for friends on craigslist.

Thanks for reading. And if you see a Sambo, Sambo lover, or Sambo apologist in your neck of the woods, don't be afraid to use force to subdue them and their stupidity. Don't hesitate to educate them on the error of their ways. Just don't do so using big words. Draw pictures if you have to.